Nonconsensual Parenting: The Disturbing Trend

by: Colin Brolley

There exists a phenomenon that happens to men and it often does not carry the social reaction I feel it deserves. Some women trick their male partners into procreation. Like so many other things people do, there are various reasons for this. Sometimes it is done as a misguided effort to save a failing relationship and sometimes it’s simply because a woman wants to have a child.

I had the opportunity to play the fly on the wall in observing this situation unfold around a friend of mine. He had been dating a girl for some months. Things were going well so he decided to buy a house and invite her move in with him. This decision made sense for him; he was living with his parents at the time but had a sizeable amount of savings and wanted to take advantage of a first time home-buyer’s tax incentive. She moved in as planned, he paid the mortgage and property taxes, and she paid the utility bills. All was well.

Then, one early Saturday morning while Brittany and I were having breakfast at a local diner, he called me with the news. His girlfriend was pregnant. In a panic, he asked me to come over. Brittany and I scarfed down our omelettes and rushed over to the home he shared with his now-pregnant girlfriend.

My friend and I sat at the picnic table in his back yard. He didn’t say much. His hands were trembling and he had that thousand yard stare that soldiers sometimes get after surviving combat. I became worried about him. He was an absolute wreck.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend was having a much different experience. If he was a soldier surviving combat, she was a woman who just won the lottery. She announced her pregnancy by bringing a stroller and some baby books into their living room. The items spoke for themselves and she was all smiles, seemingly more focused on the way in which she told him than the fact that she was pregnant with his child.

When Brittany and I left their house that morning, something seemed off to me. I could’ve attributed her attitude to time, after all she did have longer to digest the fact that she was pregnant. It still didn’t sit right with me.

The Birth Control Trick

Fast-forward nine months and she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. My friend was as happy as any sleep-deprived new father can be. I was relieved.

Years later, after my friend married his girlfriend and after the birth of their second child, he candidly told me the truth. His then-girlfriend had stopped taking her birth control pills and intended to get pregnant all along. “It’s okay though, I probably would have never agreed to it if she didn’t trick me into having a baby,” he said.

Now it was me with the thousand-yard stare. I was horrified, disgusted, angry – and yet, I was relieved, even glad, that this was the outlook he chose to have because as his friend, I want him to be happy. After the birth of his third child, we have since grown apart as is common in the childfree/parent dynamic, but I like to think he is content in his new family unit. I like to think things worked out for the best.

Stealthing

In doing some research on this topic, I began to wonder how often a reversal of this situation happens. Do men, while in a consensual relationship with a woman, deceive their partners into believing contraception is being used? Sadly, yes. I discovered a disturbing trend called “stealthing,” in which a man discreetly removes his condom during or before sexual relations. This act is often associated with his desire for a heightened physical sensation but sometimes there is more to it. I read one woman’s account of confronting her partner. When she asked him why he did what he did, he replied “I wanted you to be the mother of my children.”

It takes two to tango – that much is true.. Any form of birth control has a statistical failure rate and both parties share responsibility for coital consequences. So when one person actively deceives the other and the result is potentially life-altering, it’s simply unacceptable. When actions knowingly exceed what is consented to, it can and should be considered sexual assault.

To knowingly deceive a partner in such a manner is to hijack someone’s life. The decision whether or not to have a child is something deeply personal. Everyone should have the right to make the choice for themselves considering the effects of such a decision are profound and last a lifetime. Everything from that person’s life stands to be changed when tricked into having a child- from finances to future relationships to even where you choose to live. And all of this occurs without the consent of the unsuspecting partner.

Do you know anyone that has been on either side of this situation? I’m interested in hearing your stories, and I feel that it’s a topic that deserves more conversation.

Related Posts

Previous Post Next Post

Comments

    • ForeverGulls
    • May 13, 2017
    Reply

    Hi Colin,

    Thank you for bringing attention to this issue that many feel uncomfortable talking about. My husband and I have a good friend who is blessed to be independently wealthy and successful. He has his own business on the side and works for the same company as my husband. One day he was dining at a popular “brestruaunt” and met a waitress down on her luck. Long story short, they ended up dating for a bit and he genuinely fell in love with her. Well, one day she admitted she was seeing someone behind his back and wanted to end the relationship. He was heartbroken.

    Fast forward two years and waitress comes back into friend’s life, this time with her 1 year old daughter by another man. She claims she has no money to feed or clothe her baby or to take care of herself because baby daddy threw them out so of course our friend allows waitress and baby to move into his lovely home. Well, waitress quickly takes over the house, inviting her friends over to party and hang out every night. While our friend is quite attached to the little girl, he is getting a little annoyed by waitress and her ungrateful shenanigans. She doesn’t work or contribute anything to the household, while our friend is out for long hours working at the company and running his business to pay for anything the waitress or her baby want or need.

    Now, my husband and I fear waitress is planning on getting pregnant with baby #2 behind our friend’s back. She claims to be using the pill and our friend frequently voices his dislike for condoms. We all know how easy it is to conveniently “forget” one’s birth control pills. We feel she is waiting for the perfect opportunity to latch onto our friend when his guard is down and his wallet is wide open. The sad thing is, our friend is so kind and unaware of the situation he probably wouldn’t even know a scam is brewing when there is one.

    I am so happy I stumbled upon this blog! My husband and I so enjoy every post.

      • Colin @therinkydinklife
      • May 13, 2017
      Reply

      Hey ForeverGulls.

      I want to start by thanking you for your support of our blog. Regular readers and subscribers mean the world to us, and your support has definitely not gone unnoticed! I’m glad to hear that your husband enjoys our posts as well.

      That’s a sad situation for your friend, and I sincerely hope that your suspicions don’t materialize. It’s an ugly reality of the world we live in that someone would use the creation of a human life to deceive and use another person.

  1. Reply

    Argh, this is an ugly situation and morally reprehensible.

    I don’t know of anyone who had it happen to them personally except I once had a friend drunkenly confess that she was considering sabotaging her birth control so she could get pregnant (she was desperate to marry her boyfriend), which I told her was a very, very bad idea.

    Parenting is tough and I believe people should take it seriously, not throw kids into a situation that was problematic from the start. How best to handle it is a tougher call… if a man doesn’t support a child he didn’t want, for example, the child grows up in relative poverty with an absent father. It hurts the kid tremendously though the kid did nothing wrong. It’s tremendously unfair to the father, but punishing the child would be the greater of two evils, imo.

    And “stealthing” should absolutely be illegal. It’s an assault on the woman’s body, exposing it to potential STD’s as well as pregnancy

    1. Erin,

      I agree, parenting should be taken seriously. Adding a baby to a damaged relationship is surely only going to make things harder.

      You brought up a good point that I hadn’t considered. What follows when this inevitably happens? The poor child.

    • Sir_ Krzysztof
    • June 10, 2017
    Reply

    Stealthing is an inconvenience at worst. Even if the man ejaculates into the woman, it is for her and only her to decide whether or not to have the child if she gets pregnant. As far as i’m aware, there are emergency contraception pills for that exact situation, and even if she fails to take them, she can always get an abortion, the man has no saying in that. What he also has no saying in, is paying child support should the woman decide to sue him for it. Sometimes, women choose to get pregnant on the side and present it to their partner as if they are responsible (paternity scam, it’s called). I remember reading in the new,s on several occasions, about how men tricked by their partners like that were forced to pay child support for what was proven to be a child of ANOTHER MAN. Funny situation, no?

      • Colin @therinkydinklife
      • June 10, 2017
      Reply

      Thanks for your comment.

      I’d argue that stealthing is not merely an inconvenience. True, abortion is an option, but it is not an option every one wants to go through with, and obviously carries more health risks than never getting pregnant at all. There are other risks from unprotected sex besides pregnancy, but that should go without saying. An STD can be quite more than an inconvenience.

      You’re right in that there are some sinister people out there. As one Mr. Kanye West has pointed out, some men end up paying 18 years (18 years) of child support just to find out that the kid isn’t even theirs.

    • Childfree4Lyfe
    • November 22, 2017
    Reply

    My MIL did this to my FIL. Her reasoning was that she had failed as a mother and wanted to start over so that one child wasn’t a failure. She said she thought she was ovulating the week before so it would be safe. This happened over 5 years ago.

    1. Yikes! Feeling like a failure as a parent shouldn’t spur you to have more children, in my opinion! Thanks for sharing this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

1 share